Three Decades Of Me

In the 30 years I have been on this planet, I’ve saved every random journal entry I wrote, from grade school on. Today I’m beginning the process of uploading them to the world. Why? I guess I just want to be heard…

Feb 2015:

What Posh has done for me is invaluable. What was once a random hobby has turned into a passion that keeps blooming with petals of positive energy right before my eye. It’s crazy but I have to keep typing before I lose this fleeting courage. 

I battle depression and anxiety, AND I’m a top rated seller on Poshmark, I’m suggested user, and most notably a PFF to so so many amazing women that have come into my life via Posh. I don’t know, maybe I’m just a lunatic. Maybe we all are lunatics. And maybe we are all the same lunatic. Nevertheless, I couldn’t feel more different.
Who really cares about the details of my warm and fuzzy’s towards Poshmark? I’ve never been much of a writer, let alone BLOGGER! I have stage fright when it comes to social media and sharing my deepest thoughts, and feelings. I hope this note is a baby step in the right direction. To where? Hopefully, the isles known as Freedom of Fear. I hope to worry less of pain and loss, experience joy. Above all, I long to find peace in the now.
I spent my whole life wishing for contentment. It wasn’t until recently I realized that the only grantor can be me, and therefore I shouldn’t wish, I should notice.
Back to Posh. I’ve accomplished things in my life that I never imagined possible, and experienced heart break that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I’ve acquired an addiction or three, one of which is Posh. A positive addiction, if there’s such a thing. As addiction to me, it equals imbalance. And balance is key. So how do I keep the passion for one, without losing the rest? I’m a petal to the metal, an all or nothing kinda girl! How do I make this work?
I guess there’s nothing wrong with being addicted to fashion, the fun and the overwhelming experience of finding faith in people through selfless acts of compassion and kindness.
I want to ‘pay it forward’ too! I want to be strong and radiate good energy. I want to be better. But what I WANT and what I AM are so far from each other! It’s as if I’m in a long distance relationship with myself. How do you fix that? (Sigh…)
Until then…I will simply keep breathing.

 

Status

There’s Beauty Beyond Bandeau’s!?! What!?

So I just set up this WordPress blog. I should probably start from the beginning, but that’s an epic story (which will be told on this blog eventually). In short, I’m 29 and I have been through more than the average Joe (Aka Jolene). To give you an idea, I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD by multiple Dr.’s on several occasions (and no, I’ve never been in the military thank you to those whom are).

This year, 2013, has probably been the toughest year out of a consecutive seven years of hell! Horrible back-to-back crappy things have been happening. I feel like I’m the wall inside a racquetball room, just constantly getting hit over and over, getting knocked down just as you’re trying to get up. It’s like living in Seattle, the clouds over my head part on an extremely seldom basis! It’s a rare occasion that the sun is out and shinning. Ironic considering I live in Scottsdale, AZ and its summertime.

The gloomy clouds over my head (technically IN my head) have recently been building, and now more than ever, I’m struggling everyday to not just give it ALL up.

Okay back to “in short”, I spent the last eight years building a career in investment banking/asset management. Only for financial security purposes. I don’t care about being rich. I was a dance major in college, on companies and a ballet teacher. If it wasn’t for my crap knees, I’d be one of those super blessed people who get to ‘do what they love, and love what they do’.

As of Feb this year, I accepted the best job opportunity ever offered to me, with JPM. My former boss (aka Lucifer) has major issues, loyalty is just one, and out of, I don’t know as I never did a cruel thing to this person to this day, unjustly and wrongfully, had me blacklisted from the industry. New, best job ever, with JPM, GONE!

I’ve since lost all care in the world. All my choices for years have led to heinous people who hurt me, like my former boss who managed to get me fired from JPM and now unemployable in my industry.

So I’m currently unemployed, don’t qualify for unemployment as JPM blamed my old firm, and I fell into some black hole of ppl that get fucked by the system. You know there’s not one call in phone number for the Maricopa County office that handles unemployment?

———-
Okay, now that I’ve given you some background, here’s why I titled this blog the way I did;

I just registered for WordPress, I type in the bio profile area that I plan to journal my life. Then I close the app and open a selling app I use to sell fashion items. Out of nowhere I receive a link to a post this lady made just for me. She must have read a convo on my forum, as she tagged me and another Posher (the app is Poshmark). This other posher was going to buy some items from me and then had emergency knee surgery and couldn’t afford to buy anymore. I had replied by writing my condolences to her. This other lady must have read the thread and felt inspired to create and tag me on the following post which I screen shot and added below.

It moved me because of the thoughtful selfless nature of her actions, but also the words. I’m Jewish, but I don’t believe in God, yet. I believe in the power of us, people! I believe in action/reaction, and energy that is created from ones actions. The beauty and kindness, I rarely see it anymore, it astonished me. If this leaves you with anything at all, I’d like it to be the notion that you as one person can make a difference. That the power of one is how all things add up. If we can stop being so self-conscious and more self-aware/selfless, the “one’s” will compound. So I’ll end this rant with, a quote from (Gandhi? Or Buddha?), “Be the change you wish to see in the world.”

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There’s Beauty Beyond Bandeau’s!?! What!?